News just in
for one or two voices
evening. The government has announced that targets for
achieving Christmas this year have been revised downwards as a result
of too much
demand. A spokesman said: “This does not mean we are any less committed
meeting standards for full festivity: we’re just not going to meet
all.” Supplies of merriment ran out in mid-November, and stores have
limited stocks of joy and compassion left.
government has also approved new measures to
curb recent outbreaks of belief. Tinsel and crackers may still be
economic reasons but should not be used as they may cause offence to
other faiths. Christmas Day may be celebrated only by Muslims, Hindus
registered athiests. The spokesman continued: “References to Jesus are
provocative and cannot be tolerated in a tolerant society. The heart of
Christmas policy remains family values. We support the values of all
whatever they value, including the values of those who have no family,
new, streamlined universal census procedures are causing traffic chaos.
The rules require people to register for tax purposes at their place of
To cope with the enormous numbers of people now on the move because of
government is to levy congestion charges to discourage people from
to their place of origin.
workers have taken into care a
old girl after she had given birth to a baby in a farm building in Bethlehem.
man with a donkey has been charged with abducting a minor. He claimed
merely looking after the girl for the child’s real father, and that
she was young, they were in a stable relationship.*
news just in.
Government experts who have finished studying the thousand-page dossier
found in the possession of some of the followers of a radical cult
leader have concluded that he has not yet made a
disclosure of the weapons at his disposal. A defence spokesman said:
“His main way
of operating is to mobilise poor and disaffected members of society, so
hard to know where He may strike next. It is difficult however to
pinpoint his plans with any certainty as these documents are
years old and mostly written in ancient Hebrew." Copies of the dossier
have even been found left in hotel bedrooms.
In the ongoing security crackdown, angels are now forbidden to enter the air exclusion zone over southern Judaea. Several unidentified men travelling from the Middle East have been detained carrying a large amount of money in the form of gold bars and quantities of two as-yet-unidentified substances.
The spokesman said: “We will use all the resources of modern society to safeguard our way of life against the threat of subversion. In the meantime”, he continued, “people should go about their normal lives and ensure they have more than sufficient supplies of alcohol, food and digital entertainment for protection. Force may be used as a last resort, and it is regrettable that some innocent civilians, even children, may die in our efforts to eliminate the threat, but we will not rest until we have brought God to justice.” The spokesman warned that it may take as long as thirty years to do this.
And that’s all from us. Now over to Matthew with news of the weather, for those of you perhaps thinking of taking a late flight to Egypt to avoid the Christmas crush.
For one or two voices. If two voices are used, the italicised sections are read by the second voice. The last word "Goodnight" should be spoken by both.
be read sitting down at a table,
preferably with each
paragraph on a separate piece of paper and read by two "news anchors"
alternatively as if they are distinct news items. It was
written for the
carol service at
*With apologies for recycling this joke from "Light of the world" (which wasn't original the first time), but it's worth an outing every decade or so.
Typical performance time 2 minutes 30 seconds.
© Godfrey Rust 2002, firstname.lastname@example.org. See here for permissions for use.