to Bonnie Scotland
for Burns Night
2007, pioneering the musical genre of the
I was a wee wee bairn
my mammie said to me
to a big hoose by the sea."
and ye needn’t have no fears,
in a couple of hundred years!"
at the sound of your very name.
and the radio was not inside.
of the loch, the cairn, the ben,
and time (and time) again,
singing praise to their land so green
all the way to
have a rich and plaintive charm
wi’ a dead pig under his arm
all kilted and well groomed
then we know that we’re all doomed...
Bonnie Scotland, your culture’s rare—
or a comb through Rod Stewart’s hair
For your next icon we hold our breath—
the Krankies or Macbeth?
the Scots are great inventors
it’s very plain to tell
and we owe the greatest debt to
Alexander Graham Bell,
of his telephone so fine
on the Piccadilly Line.
Bonnie Scotland, James Watt did dream
wi' a kettle and head of steam.
“Will ye no come round for your tea?”
has a bloody history
and the struggle to be free,
and while they wait for the return of
William Wallace and the Bruce
just a 300 year long truce.
tried to make rebellion
but the Young Bonnie Prince Charlie
only just got oot alive
and now you need a new Pretender
so I’ll tell you what we’ll do—
be more than welcome too
and even the women shave.
Mel Gibson as your chief.
though you sheathed your claymores
and put your shields away
it seems you’ve conquered
in a democratic way
for in London Toon there’s Gordon Broon,
and if you kick him oot
you've a Cameron or a Campbell—
so whit’s that all aboot?
that’s the Scottish way to deal
(and you can eat your weight in starch
in just a single evening meal)
so take the Act of Union
wi’ a pinch of salt at best
and be British when it suits you
and be Scottish for the rest
Caledonia, we’ll never own ya
in any feeble English way,
and if my song has caused offense you know
then blame the vicar here, he’s called Donaldson—
he’ll meet you in Glencoe.
Performed at a Burns Night supper at
church, West Ealing in January 2007, after the haggis had been consumed.